Dad

When I initially created this blog, it was a way for me to write about my thoughts and feelings about Dad, but when I went back and read my previous entries, I was afraid that they sounded too depressing, so I began writing about other things in order to lighten it up a bit. I have to admit, I could dedicate my entire blog solely to Dad. I miss him so much; more than I ever thought I could miss a person. It's been especially difficult these past several weeks because we've been tying up all of the loose ends of his financial accounts, and we've been having to make decisions with investments, etc., praying that we're doing what he would have wanted us to do. I keep thinking to myself that I never signed up for this; that I'm living someone else's life... that I'm just playing the role of the girl who lost her father at 27. As if that isn't enough, I've been dreaming about him almost every night. In my dreams, he's healthy, and I run up to him and give him a huge hug and kiss and tell him that I had a dream that he died. He always responds, "Oh Munchy, I didn't die. I'm right here." Then I wake up. Crying. I know it's all still very raw- it's only been 3 months since he passed away, but part of me wonders when these feeling will subside. It's really strange, too, the things that I envisioned being really difficult after Dad's death, I'm finding great comfort in lately. Blasting Dean Martin in the car, smelling his cologne that has drifted from his shirts to mine in the closet, and visiting his grave. I dread the day that I pull a shirt out of my closet, without the smell of Paul Sebastian lingering on it. I know everyone says that I have to be thankful for the memories that I have of him, and I am, but I can't help but to also be angry about the many other memories of him that I'm going to miss out on.